Spending time apart

All children have to learn to cope with temporary separations from their parents. Many preschoolers attend early learning programs before starting school and many have time with other carers when parents are working or have time away from their children. Learning to be apart can be difficult for children and parents. However, parents need time to themselves occasionally and children benefit from spending time with others. Shyness around new people and anxiety about separation from parents is common in preschoolers. This tip page gives some suggestions to help you teach your preschooler to be comfortable with others and calmly separate from you.

Are you confident that you can work through these steps so that leaving your child with others is a calm and happy time for you both?

When being left with others, some children cling, cry and protest when their parents try to leave. They may appear frightened that their parents are leaving them. Some preschoolers may burst into tears when their parents return.

Preschoolers may have fears about letting their parents out of their sight. They may worry that their parents aren’t coming back or may be concerned for their safety. These types of fears are more common at times of family stress, such as moving house, family illness or relationship problems.

Problems can happen when parents feel guilty or worried about leaving their child with educators or other carers. Clingy behaviour is likely to continue if children have few opportunities to learn how to separate from their parents.

Problems can be made worse by the way the separation takes place. While it may appear to be a natural thing to do, giving children a lot of attention, comfort and reassurance when they protest may accidentally encourage separation problems and lead to more problems in the future. Also, quickly dropping children off and rushing away can mean children don’t have time to settle in and say Goodbye calmly.

Did you know that there are common parent traps that might make the situation worse? Module 1 of this course gives you a better understanding of these traps and how they might influence your child. Discover more.

Prepare your child

Before starting at an early learning and care service, talk about it with your child. Visit together so your child feels comfortable there. Stay close and allow your child to watch the other children and join in activities if they like. Don’t force your child to join in. If possible, visit a few times and stay a little longer each time.

Visit with relatives or friends several times before leaving your child with them. This will give your child time to get to know them and feel comfortable.

If your child is joining a group or club, invite another child and their parent from the group to your home. Your child will get to know them and can look for them in the group.

On the day you’ll be away from them, explain to your child where they are going, where you are going and when you’ll return. Try to link the time of your return with something they’ll understand — Ellen, I’ll be home after you’ve had dinner or When you wake up after your sleep, I’ll be back to pick you up.

Get everything ready

Make sure you have everything that the educator or carer needs to take care of your child, such as clothes, equipment or medicine. Ask your child if they would like to bring a special toy or other comforting item from home. You can also leave something of your own with your child to reassure them that you’ll come back.

Explain the steps

Develop a routine for when you are leaving your child with others and discuss it with your child. Here’s an example:

• Say Hello to the educator/carer and other children.
• Find something to do.
• Give me a hug and say Goodbye.

Explain to your child that you will leave when you say Goodbye even if they don’t want you to go. Allow plenty of time to go through the steps, so you can stay calm and are not hurrying to get somewhere else.

Before you leave home, ask your child to tell you the steps — Now, can you remember the steps for when we go to preschool? Praise them if they tell you. If your child doesn’t say the steps, calmly remind them. Answer their questions. After a while, your preschooler will know the steps and won’t need reminders.

If there were problems last time, briefly and calmly describe one step your child forgot to follow — Last time I dropped you off at preschool, you forgot our step about saying ‘Goodbye’ and letting go of me. Tell your child what you would like them to do differently this time — Today, let’s practise saying ‘Goodbye’, giving me a big hug and then letting go of me.

Talk about rewards

For the first few times, you may like to reward your child for following the steps and coping with their feelings when you say Goodbye. Decide together on some rewards, such as stopping at the park on the way home or a special game with you.

Prepare the educator or carer

Provide the educator with a list of any special needs or routines. Always leave a contact number in case of emergencies. Tell them that you will leave when you say Goodbye, even if your child is upset or protesting. You can ask them to note how long it takes for your child to settle down after you leave.

Problems can happen if there is no agreement about who should respond to the child when both the parent and educator are present. Decide who will respond to challenging behaviour at drop-off and pick-up times. Problems may happen if consequences are inconsistent or adults talk for a long time without attending to the child.

These tips will help you prepare your child for separations. In Modules 2 and 3, you’ll see examples of the strategies in practice, to help you use them in your daily routines. Continue your course to discover more.

Introduce your child to others

Many preschoolers need their parents to help them settle into new situations. Introduce your child to new people. Spend some time talking to other adults and playing with the children.

Set your child up in an activity

Suggest something your child might like to do. Help them get started in an activity alone or with one or two others rather than in a large group. Try to make it more rewarding to be involved in an activity than staying with you. To do this, praise your child when they mix with others. Stay positive and let your child know you’ll be leaving soon. Ignore clingy behaviour.

Say Goodbye and leave

Don’t leave without your child knowing. When it’s time to leave, remind your child where you are going and when you’ll return. Calmly and confidently say Goodbye and leave. Ignore protests and don’t go back. If you are worried, you may like to call the educator to check that your child has settled. Look after yourself. Take a few minutes to calmly remind yourself that your child is safe, and will settle and enjoy themself.

There are more things you can do to help your child (and you) cope with time apart. Module 4 of your course shows you 7 powerful parenting strategies.

Greet your child

Spend some time with your child. Ask questions about what they did while you were away. Be prepared for your child to be a bit clingy. This is common after being apart. If the educator tells you or shares pictures of something your child has done, show an interest and praise their efforts.

Review the steps

Tell your child what you liked about their behaviour when you left them with other carers — Zeke, you were very good at saying hello to the other children today. If your child followed the steps, praise them and give them the reward you agreed on earlier. If problems happened, don’t give the reward. Briefly and calmly describe one step your child forgot to follow — You forgot our rule about letting go of my hand and finding something to play with. Set a goal for next time — Next time I drop you at preschool, let’s practise letting go of my hand and finding something to play with.

You may like to read your child stories about children saying goodbye to their parents. This can help your child understand their thoughts and feelings, and that other children go through similar times.

As your child learns to be comfortable with others and calmly separate from you, you won’t need to remind them of the steps every time you leave them. Even though you’ll discuss the steps less often, they still apply.

Be consistent and leave when you say Goodbye. Gradually make rewards less predictable by giving them every now and then. Continue to praise your child from time to time for following the steps and calmly separating from you.

Children have fewer separation problems when their parents are comfortable with leaving their child. Find a service that will offer quality care for your child. Early childhood programs delivered by qualified educators are beneficial and help children develop important social and emotional skills.